Sunday, July 3, 2011

An Emotional Roller Coaster

As I mentioned in a previous post, I was married the spring of 2000 which was around the same time I put a lot of weight on in a short period of time and my cycles started doing weird things. On top of all this, I developed bad mood swings. Yeah I know everyone has mood swings but these were awful! It was PMS x 10!

One day I would be fine, functional and then the next... I'd cry in bed for hours, call in sick to work, not care about anything and yes... even thoughts of suicide had crept into my mind. When the last surfaced in my actions, Matthew (husband) quickly decided to move me back to my hometown. He was desperate to make me happy at that point. We didn't tell anyone, even my mother, about how bad off I was emotionally.

Moving did help though however, it wasn't long that they surfaced again. This is when we started making the connection to my cycles and mood swings. After the long haul with the doctors and we had a diagnosis of PCOS, we learned that the constant ups and downs in my hormones can alter my moods.

For the next few years, Matthew and I got real good at spotting and controlling my emotions. Even he can spot an "episode" weeks before it happens. We've learned that my body goes through this one big cycle... it's as if it thinks its pregnant, then realizes it's not, and then it thinks it's in menopause. Yeah it seems funny but it's true. I'll have physical and mental symptoms for each stage. Once we realized this though, it does make it easier to plan our lives. Matthew knows when i'm in the "realize i'm not pregnant, very sad" phase... no company is to visit, we watch movies/games at home and he lets me sleep. He also knows that during the "menopause" stage, we can go out, vacation and other activities husbands always seem to bug us about. =)

About 3-4 times a year i'll have a bad epsiode but we've got it down to just a few hours. Unfortunately it always happens during the night, don't ask me why. I wake Matt up and he sits up with me and just holds me while I cry. After 2-3 hours or so I calm down and sleep great. Its rough for him though because during my moments I do tend to rant and direct all my anger towards him but he's a trooper. Suicidal thoughts don't come up that often anymore in fact, if I think of it during my episode, I try to voice it outloud for Matt to hear so he can help me squash it.

I do want you to know that I really don't want to kill myself. What happens is that I just can't make all the millions of thoughts in my head to stop. It gets pretty painful and I just want it to stop so i'll think "I'll just cut my head off so it'll stop" type things. Although at the time i'm serious I don't feel I would EVER do such a silly thing.

Also, I realize that there are other mental conditions out there that describes what I go through and perhaps there's a connection there but these episodes are so closely connected to my cycles and we've got it down pretty much to an "art" that I really believe in my heart it's part of my PCOS.

We are very curious to see what this new PCSO treatment does to the emotional roller coasters.

(For more information on PCOS Diagnosis, PCOS Treatment, PCOS Diet, PCOS Studies, PCOS Support, etc. visit My PCOS Treatment -

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